July 23rd seems equally yesterday and years ago. It seems like so much has happened since he passed. We've been to two follow-up doctors' visits to talk about avoiding issues like this in the future. Alisha had a significant surgery and has mostly recovered from it. I've returned to normal work activity. We've had many visitors and projects going on around the house. It seems like it would take much longer than one month for all of that to occur.
Then again, the night he died is still starkly vivid in my mind. I can replay scenes to myself and walk through the events as though they happened yesterday. The big smile he had while they tried to sedate him. The walk we took to the park. The shock of seeing his pupils uneven and walking down to the CT scan as people stared at this little boy with so many people around him. The discomfort and uneasiness in the doctor's face as he broke the news to me, then the tense walk upstairs when he recounted the situation to Alisha. Putting Roscoe's hands into the pie pan to make plaster molds as we propped him up on my lap. Singing to him with no beeping machines. Talking to him for hours with no intervention by the medical staff. Holding his body against my chest as he breathed his last breath, then wondering if that would be the last one or if he held one more. Feeling his entire body tense up twice after he'd breathed his last, with a strength that I hadn't felt during his lifetime. Laying him down into the bed as if he were asleep, but for the last time.
All of these memories continue to hover around me. At the same time I want them to leave and I want them to stay. I want them to leave because they tell me that Roscoe isn't coming back. I want them to stay because they are the last bits of life that I shared with him. It's hard to accept that it's only been one month since all of this happened.
I love you.
ReplyDeleteLove, Mom
I got choked up reading this. I love you both. Keep praying and talking to him he hears you!
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing. I've been rereading his story because as time passes it feels like it's easier for current life happenings to squeeze my thoughts of Roscoe out. I don't want my thoughts of Roscoe to get less frequent. I suppose it's natural and then makes my time thinking about him more intentional and meaningful. He will always be a precious part of our lives. I am thankful for the moments I have been able to tell others about how wonderful he was and how his life made and continues to make such an impact. I am so thankful to God and to you and Alisha for allowing me to have playtime with Roscoe! I love you both. Roscoe, I miss you terribly but know you are having a great time as you wait for the rest of us to join you!
ReplyDeleteIt is weird to know it's already been a month. Like you said, it seems longer and shorter all at the same time. I wish it wasn't true that he is gone...but that doesn't change the fact that God is still good.
ReplyDeleteLove you guys!
Shaun , I think you never get over losing anyone you love so deeply especially your child , but I think time helps us to store in our hearts all the precious memories that you will always cherish of yours and Alisha's time you spent with Roscoe. ..
ReplyDeleteI believe the time and the things you taught & shared and all the awesome Smiles, laughs and excitement that Roscoe gave to yall are some treasures that can never be taken from you ! As you two go back to your daily routine, eventually I hope when you recall your memories with Roscoe , they are joyful reminders of his time with yall .
I think of Roscoe as a sweet reminder that God sent to us that showed a love that only a Parent can feel for a child. It reminds us parents ,that God loves us as our Father ! and that he holds us just like we seen you hold Roscoe in your arms and know that you & Alisha hold him in your hearts . God will comfort you thur your loss and yall will be okay . Just remember; Your separations is painful but temporary.
We all have so much going on in our hearts and minds, even as we interact with others with a smile on our faces. We can be knee-deep in doubt, riddled with guilt, drowning in grief or chest-high in worry and no one ever suspect as we pass one another, nod hello, cruise through FB posts or even sit comfortably worshipping together. But God does not miss any of it. He knows. Shaun, I'm sad to know I can't always know, but thankful too because I am not equipped to save anyone. But Jesus is and He has and He will. So instead, I pray; and in that way, I can help you and all my other friends, family, neighbors and fellow people with our very full hearts and minds. The prayers of the righteous are powerful and effective. James 5:16
ReplyDeleteI am thinking of you and Alisha often and of Roscoe daily. I often catch myself talking to him in my mind and sharing something. Miss this little boy so much. Praying for you.
ReplyDeleteI talk with him occasionally too. Usually in prayers I ask God to relay messages for me. When I'm driving in the car or I pass his picture in the house, I'll just mutter something to him and hope he hears it.
DeleteI like to say "Hi Roscoe!" When I see his picture.
DeleteGreat comment Paul, agree!
ReplyDeleteI can't even imagine - just reading what you wrote here about Roscoe's last day, it is clear it is still so, so vivid. Each night I pray for God to give Roscoe a hug from us and pray for his comfort for you and Alisha. I have gone back to re-read Roscoe's story. With every post, I wish the outcome would have been different but it is so wonderful to see the celebration of the life he had here with you. Hugs to you!
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