The Meaning of "Clean"

As I have grown in age (and wisdom?) I have learned that the word "clean" is a subjective word. One person cleans their car with soap, wax, and a vacuum then dries it with a towel. Another cleans their car with a spray of water. Which one cleaned it?

Nowhere is there a greater divide in the meaning of "clean" than the meaning assumed by men and the meaning dictated by women. Of course I'm speaking stereotypically, but still this great divide between the sexes has been untouched by both politicians and stand-up comics alike ... until now. For instance, take a humble, dirty shower:

In preparation for Mothers' Day, Alisha didn't ask for anything big. She said "What I want for Mothers' Day is for you to clean our shower". Clean a shower? Aren't showers self-cleaning with all of the soap and water that gets rinsed through them daily? What she was referring to was some mold that had developed in the silicone sealer, which she wanted me to replace. After a few hours of work I got the job done and here's the result:

Quite the difference! (yes, that's the same picture). What I am getting at is the difference between how a man views cleaning and how a woman views cleaning. As a man when I look at whether something is "clean" I stand 3-5 feet away. If I can't see much dirt then it is clean. Basically, the man's definition of clean simplifies down to:

"If someone touches it, will they get sick or dusty?"

If the answer to that question is "no" then the item is clean. The woman's definition is vastly different. When a woman considers whether an item is clean, the question she asks herself is:

"If a hotel inspector came to my house and had 30 minutes to look around, would they give it any less than a five-star rating?"

If the answer to that question is "no" then the item is clean. If the woman in this hypothetical scenario would receive any less than five stars, then the item is dirty and must be cleaned. As if that's not enough, there is an even more stringent definition of clean that rears its head on occasion. That definition is called a "deep clean".

Tile counters are notorious for their needing a deep cleaning

A deep clean occurs when the traditional surface cleaner won't suffice against the solitary germ or crumb that the woman knows is there but just can't see. Deep cleaning involves complications like bleach, ammonia, heavy-duty rubber gloves, and sometimes even a mask. Basically, it's a mini-re-enactment of your final semester in high school chemistry, but without the pink tardy slips or having to memorize what the molecular weight of Bromine is. (hint: it's slightly less than Krypton, which actually exists outside of Superman comics)

Once a surface or area of the room is deep-cleaned, it is off-limits for all human contact until sufficient time has been given for dust to gather and return the area to a livable level. Think of that area of your house as if it were one large guest-towel: if nobody has used it yet, you can't either. If anyone has used it, then it is in need of a cleaning. Thus, the vicious cycle repeats.

The next time you pitch in to help with cleaning duties, make sure you clarify what result you're going for. If you stand 3-5 feet away and say "It looks clean to me!", now you'll know why your wife rolled her eyes at you and got out the bleach.