Father's Day

A year has come and gone. Last year I was a father. This year I still am, but in a different way. Being in my late 30's, I often get asked a question like "Do you have any kids?". Often this question arises when I meet a new acquaintance, as happened this past week at a work lunch. The question is hard to answer, because I know they're just trying to make conversation but I don't want to lie. After iterating on a few responses, now I'll usually answer "Not right now". They think I'm referring slyly to the future, but really I'm thinking of the past ... (on a side note, I just realized that "slyly" is a very uniquely spelled word) ... Anyways, if they ask further questions and show interest, then I bring up the story that you all know.

I still carry around a reminder of my little man in my wallet. Each time I flop it open to get a credit card or show my license, I see this:

It is a wallet-sized reminder of the time when I got to hold his hand onto a brand new baseball. It's also the picture I use to show anyone interested how small he was. Luckily when Alisha printed this picture as a wallet, it came out to be nearly identical to life-size:

Each day I thank God (multiple times) for the days, weeks, and months he granted us with Roscoe. Our tendency is always to think about what's lacking: we wish we had more money, more skill, more hair, more time ... but in doing so, we overlook the gifts that God has given us.

Roscoe could have very easily never have made it past birth. The day he was born I remember being scared that he wouldn't survive birth, then I heard her his little cry and knew she he had working lungs. Those next 9.5 months were a gift from God that I can never repay. One year ago from today, Roscoe was just getting settled in at UCSF for the last month of his life. That month could have very easily never have happened. I firmly believe that by our prayers God extended his life.

The first time anyone found out that Alisha was pregnant with Roscoe was when we filmed this video, slightly over 2 years ago:

Two months later, I sent the email below (on August 10th, 2013):

I am writing to request prayers for our daughter. As you may have heard, we found out on Monday that she is a girl during the 20-week ultrasound. What you didn't know was that we were scheduled for a follow-up ultrasound with a specialist 2 days later because she is roughly 3 weeks behind in terms of growth. In real numbers she is 6.5oz and the average baby is 10.5oz, putting her in the 1-2% range as a percentile of growth. Though Alisha and I both have small frames, the specialist said the small weight is due to problems with the placenta (IUGR). The link below will explain the scientific reasons and will let you know what typically occurs:   http://www.mountsinai.on.ca/care/placenta-clinic/complications/placentalinsufficiency/iugr 

Our specialist said that we would "almost definitely" see her delivered by the end of September (27 weeks). At her reduced size, she would barely fit the smallest breathing tube they have if she were born at that time because she'd be roughly the size of a 24-week baby. This early delivery would be triggered / forced if the specialist notices "reverse diastolic blood flow", which in means that as our baby's heartbeat reaches its lowest point, blood begins to flow backwards into her heart. Left unchecked it is fatal, so they choose to deliver the baby in hopes that she will survive:
   http://radiopaedia.org/articles/reversal-of-umbilical-arterial-end-diastolic-flow 

We apologize if we've spoken with you in the past few days and haven't mentioned this. We are still processing it and ourselves don't have answers. We chose to leave it out of conversation until we could bring it up in the way most comfortable for us. Please don't feel bad if you've made comments about Alisha's belly being small or undersized (she's gotten that quite a bit), we know you said it without knowing what was going on. 

Our doctor said that Alisha and our daughter will be checked more regularly by the specialist in the coming weeks. Our next appointment is on August 23rd at 11am. We would like to rally the prayer warriors over the next two weeks so that we'll see positive results and continue seeing them until our daughter is safe to be born. To speak frankly: we don't need food/hospitality and we want to avoid calls, hugs, or in-person conversations about it. Please just try to act normally towards us, which we know will be hard. If you would like to console us, cards and email would be the best method. We are private people so talking with others about this only rehashes the difficult situation we face. Though it may feel good to you and feel like you're helping if you talk to us at length about this, it really will only make us feel worse. Quite honestly, we just want you to pray as hard as you know how. 

If you like to pray for specifics, we ask that you pray for our daughter to grow like the wind, for the nutrition delivery problems to be absolved, and for her blood flow to remain normal and healthy. Above all we ask that you petition God himself to heal our daughter and deliver her safely into this world with no ill effects of these issues. We are convinced that God is powerful and capable to accomplish this feat. We are also convinced that humans can change God's mind through prayer (Exodus 32:14; 2 Kings 20:1-7). We ask (selfishly) that you make sincere petitions for our daughter as part of your daily prayers. 

Servants of Christ,
Shaun & Alisha

After I hit Send, I turned to Alisha on the couch, hugged her, and cried my eyes out like I can hardly remember ever doing before. I was terrified of what was in store. Looking back, I was about to see some of the most amazing and powerful things that I'd ever witness, all wrapped in an 18.7 ounce human being. I miss my boy, but I know that right now he's with the one true Father who takes care of him better than I can.

If what I've written touches your heart, give your kids a hug. Tell them what they mean to you and remind them that they've got a Father in heaven who is just waiting to squeeze them too. He's waiting for all of us.

"Do not call anyone on earth your father;
for One is your Father, He who is in heaven."

- Matthew 23:9